[ well, after that their anger has been vaguely dealt with thanks to ogata being ogata, guess giyuu and shinobu can be found somewhere in the depths of campsco together. it's amazing; after minako dying he didn't think he could feel any more frustration and hate himself more than that.
...but that was because he was so certain that dimitri wouldn't be killed. he couldn't imagine the alternative. no, rather, he didn't want to imagine the alternative. dimitri had made friends. he was so well-liked—
regardless, he's having a lot of emotions. so many emotions.... shinobu feels things even stronger than he does. is she fine? well, is she managing better than him? ]
Kocho.
[ he suppose it's his turn to look far more vulnerable than he has been in his adult life. ]
[ Is Shinobu's anger ever dealt with? It's something that only grows and simmers and boils over. It's never ending, as deep as the sea—or even deeper.
There's always a possibility that any one person can die; anyone can be targeted. It's something that Shinobu knows logically, but what does her heart know? Her already battered heart that has barely stopped killing itself only bleeds more now. After Zenitsu, it's Dimitri, and it's too much for her to handle. She has never treated any of these deaths like it's nothing, like she could pretend they never happened, but one after another— That Dimitri is the only one this week—
She's not fine. She's barely holding it together. ]
Tomioka-san.
[ It comes out slow and weak like wings barely able to flutter to take flight. She notices the shift in his expression, but she doesn't have it together enough now to address it this moment. Maybe in a minute or two. ]
[ if giyuu was a more emotionally competent person then maybe he might be able to uncover shinobu's distress as well as shoulder the mess of feelings that he is having inside, however that is not the case. he is better than he was before the island and certainly an improvement here, but it's an improvement that's a little hollow in these terms.
so, unfortunately, giyuu can only understand what he can see on the surface level and perhaps only a few layers down. what gives him an edge, really, is just how much time they've spent here needing to support one another. the week where they shared emotions really gave him insight to how shinobu could be feeling in a situation like this. ]
I didn't think he would be targeted.
[ giyuu says it plainly if only because he can't afford to dance around it. he doesn't know how else to speak about it. the pain of losing someone never gets easier—especially once you open yourself up to others.
...for a moment he considers saying how he has failed again—he couldn't keep shinobu safe (but that choice was made for her somehow), and now he was helpless to do anything to spare dimitri. he had seen him not that long ago...wednesday wasn't it? it feels like ages. ]
The terrible thing about this entire situation is that anyone can be a target. The reasons behind why someone is chosen—
[ Her voice, brittle, breaks off.
In the end, someone is still dead. In the end, someone still killed. In the end, no matter what reason she killed, she is still a murderer. No matter the reason, Dimitri is still dead, and so is everyone else in this store. ]
Well. I suppose the directors did say that numbers didn't matter as much, so at least they don't have to run around and lose focus split across four bodies.
[ It's a clinical spin for something resembling positivity instead of whatever they're both feeling. With only one death, there is more time to focus on solving what happened. That's what she can hope for tomorrow.
There is no justice in the system made for them, but maybe a truth can be set free. ]
Of all people, I thought he'd have a lower chance of being chosen.
[ Her agreement is soft. Dimitri seemed well-liked enough, but who knows what's going on where they can't see? ]
[ giyuu doesn't need to hear the rest of that sentence to know what she was thinking. he brought it up once before himself. there is a reason why there are people who are still alive and reasons why people die. if there is anyone remotely close to how he was—well, giyuu wouldn't be too shocked. there is talk of "roles" and the like. ]
The point is for us to suffer. [ that was made clear even if they didn't need the numbers. ] The more we feel, the faster the snake grows. It's why we thought of doing more kills, but picking the right person would do just as well.
[ as horrible as that sounds. which, uh, given how they both took out some of their anger on ogata—it would be fair to say that this choice certainly has made, at the very least, two people upset. morbidly he wonders if what he's experiencing now could get any worse. the weight he forces himself to carry due to his actions from the island feels so impossibly heavy.
he has every mind to consider shutting himself off from it all—to go back to allowing things to be reflected off of him instead of being allowed to be moved. things were simpler then. .... he doesn't, though, and instead looks shinobu over and nods. ]
I hope that they're focused tomorrow. [ a beat because he'll never forget how quickly simple things become complicated: ] And that there's nothing to distract them.
At this point, anyone's death would bring someone's pain and suffering.
[ Isn't the whole purpose of what they need to do to escape here the antithesis for Shinobu's entire raison d'etre? Hadn't she fought for so long and so hard just to keep others from suffering?
It's not like she couldn't bring herself to do something like this in the end, if she knew, now that she knows, but the effect of doing something like that—
A smile slams into place on Shinobu's face, but it's empty, empty, empty. ]
There will always be some kind of distraction.
[ That's who they are as people. That's who they are as a group. ]
I don't think there's any right way to greet someone. [ Especially after they just died. ] Do what you feel is right. Do what comes from the heart.
[ there's a retort that reaches the tip of giyuu's tongue, but he is aware enough to not say it. rather, he's aware of it now that he shouldn't be saying things that are now obviously cruel. (he was just being honest, but there's a balance in that.) however, as he abandons that and thinks of something else he could say in its place, he examines shinobu's expression.
it...doesn't feel right. she smiling again and giyuu knows that this isn't something she would want to smile for. or, well, perhaps "want" is the wrong word but he doesn't know what there is for him to say instead. especially so when shinobu tells him that he should just go what his heart tells him to.
it's funny because with anyone else it would be an easier answer to uncover, but with giyuu? ]
I'm not good with the matters of the heart.
[ which should be an obvious statement if there was ever one to be made. it's also the most painfully self-aware comment that he's likely made about himself around her. but, there's no way that she wouldn't refute it. they both are aware of how much he struggles as things move again. ]
[ It's a step forward that he's aware. It's a step forward that he admits it. ]
That's why you should keep being honest, and that will be your heart coming through.
[ His bluntness, his awkwardness, his straightforwardness— it's not always honesty from the heart. After all, it's more and more apparent how much he buried, how much he froze, and it's being unearthed and melted now, bit by slow bit. ]
But also, you should really look at and listen to him, too. See what he does, hear what he says, and think about the why.
[ maybe someone outside looking in might wonder why someone like giyuu would bother to listen to someone like shinobu but giyuu sees nothing wrong with the arrangement. his talk with tanjiro started the change, her death was enlightening, and both the island and then this camp have given him time he didn't have otherwise.
it's why he nods along and commits her words to memory. he still doesn't know how he will be able to face dimitri when he sees him again but he remembers something that he told someone else on his first day here and their reply to him. he dismissed it at the time but...now? hm. he looks at shinobu more critically as he really thinks about her words. ]
I should do the same for you.
[ ...right? it's not just him who is struggling with this. it's not just him who has lost people here and will continue to lose people. he's not that unaware. ]
Try to understand why you're upset.
[ not that he doesn't already try but try in the way that she's describing. ]
[ The way he says that almost makes her want to laugh.
He's trying to be less hopeless and maybe he's actually going to listen to her for once, but she doesn't know if she has the right words to say here. She doesn't know if she has any words to say. ]
Some of it isn't so different from why you are.
[ And the rest of it is very different. ]
Every week, someone must die, and it hurts every time.
[ It just hurts more when it's someone specific. ]
[ the person matters to giyuu more than just the loss of life. he isn't as insensitive to it as he was before, especially not as impassive as how he was about the loss of life when they were dispatched to take out the spider demons. but shinobu hasn't been like that...
hm. ]
If it hurts you, then why do you keep smiling?
[ bluntly. curiously. ]
What was it that you said—how it's fine to not be a Pillar sometimes?
[ those were not the words that she said to him back on the island? maybe it wasn't exactly word for word, but didn't she say something like to him? how she encouraged him to start to understand his emotions and not lock everything away? aren't her smiles like that..? giyuu doesn't understand it but he has started to see through them better. ]
[ She smiles because sometimes, she can't do anything else. She smiles because sometimes, it's the only thing that she can hang onto. She smiles because her sister is dead, and she wants to do everything she can to remember her, to honor her memory—
But she hasn't done much to honor much of anything lately, has she? ]
... I haven't been much of a Pillar in some time.
[ She hasn't acted as a Pillar since the night she killed Yu. At least, that's how it is in her mind. ]
[ he. doesn't get it. it seems no better than the way that he keeps his expressions and emotions under lock and key. she smiles despite things hurting her and when she's angry... isn't it a bit hypocritical? ]
Don't people cry when they're hurt?
[ someone like him shouldn't be asking this question given that the last time he cried before they were thrown into here was years ago. even he had been able to cry when she died before him at the end of the nightmare that was the cursed island. ]
Pillars are supposed to look out for people and support those who can't stand by themselves. As long as you keep that up, then you're being a Pillar.
[ Too bad this conversation doesn't happen after role doxxing, haha. ]
They do. What makes you think I don't cry?
[ She cried in front of him not too long ago even if it feels like a lifetime now. If no one sees her cry, does that means she doesn't?
(Sometimes, she feels like she shouldn't cry because she doesn't deserve to. She's still a murderer at the end of the day.)
How does she tell him that she doesn't feel like she has done any of that here, not to her standard. Has she looked out for people? Has she truly supported them, knowing what she knows? Is she doing any of that right now?
It's hard for her to say without thinking she's hypocritical in some way, so she doesn't. ]
[ IT'S A GOOD THING THAT IT COMES BEFORE.....though. hm. ]
I know you do, Kocho.
[ that wasn't the point? he....doesn't know what point he's trying to express though. rather, he's not going to be very good at the point he wants to get across.
unsurprisingly that their situation has led to her showing off her tears far more than he had memories of before. honestly, though, the most confusing one was when he saw dimitri and her both after he lost his arm. so much was gained from then...maybe things started to really change, too.
someone far more emotionally competent should be confronting shinobu about how she should stop trying to hide so much behind her smile—if that would be someone more emotionally competent would do. giyuu's...trying. ]
I meant that I don't like it when you smile even though you're in pain.
[ is that what he wanted to say..? it's kind of the point he wants to make, but it's a bit selfish, isn't it? to make it about himself. ]
[ That makes her feel something complicated, and she doesn't know if it makes her feel better or worse to hear him say that. His awareness is a mark of his improvement, but there are some coping mechanisms that she can't let go of. ]
All I have left is my smile, Tomioka-san.
[ Even it is a faded version of all her usual ones, it's the one thing she can do to feign even a semblance of normalcy. She's been piecing herself back together in order to stand as she should, but even she stumbles when she's down.
After everything that's been taken away from her, can she let her smile be taken away? With everything she broke, can't this be one thing she keeps? ]
But you can tell I'm hurting now whether I smile or not now, so it doesn't really matter.
[ After all, why wouldn't she be hurting right now? It's another week. She's angry. She's bereaved, and she's raw with emotion. ]
[ giyuu doesn't quite understand the deeper meaning behind her smile but he's learning that it's important to her more than it being a simple expression. he can't question it—it feels wrong—so, instead he'll just accept it. what really leaves him thinking is how she says it doesn't matter.
why doesn't it matter? ]
If you're fine with that.
[ is it really okay for him to be one of the few(?) people who can tell when she's smiling when she shouldn't be? rather, smiling because there's nothing else she feel like she can do. giyuu is hardly in the place to properly judge given how he barely smiles or shows emotions on his face. ...though that has begun to change.
....hm. ]
And I won't point it out to those who can't tell the difference.
[ he's not sure if that's something she'd appreciate or something she'd hate but it's something that he can do. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wk 5, friday
...but that was because he was so certain that dimitri wouldn't be killed. he couldn't imagine the alternative. no, rather, he didn't want to imagine the alternative. dimitri had made friends. he was so well-liked—
regardless, he's having a lot of emotions. so many emotions.... shinobu feels things even stronger than he does. is she fine? well, is she managing better than him? ]
Kocho.
[ he suppose it's his turn to look far more vulnerable than he has been in his adult life. ]
no subject
There's always a possibility that any one person can die; anyone can be targeted. It's something that Shinobu knows logically, but what does her heart know? Her already battered heart that has barely stopped killing itself only bleeds more now. After Zenitsu, it's Dimitri, and it's too much for her to handle. She has never treated any of these deaths like it's nothing, like she could pretend they never happened, but one after another— That Dimitri is the only one this week—
She's not fine. She's barely holding it together. ]
Tomioka-san.
[ It comes out slow and weak like wings barely able to flutter to take flight. She notices the shift in his expression, but she doesn't have it together enough now to address it this moment. Maybe in a minute or two. ]
no subject
so, unfortunately, giyuu can only understand what he can see on the surface level and perhaps only a few layers down. what gives him an edge, really, is just how much time they've spent here needing to support one another. the week where they shared emotions really gave him insight to how shinobu could be feeling in a situation like this. ]
I didn't think he would be targeted.
[ giyuu says it plainly if only because he can't afford to dance around it. he doesn't know how else to speak about it. the pain of losing someone never gets easier—especially once you open yourself up to others.
...for a moment he considers saying how he has failed again—he couldn't keep shinobu safe (but that choice was made for her somehow), and now he was helpless to do anything to spare dimitri. he had seen him not that long ago...wednesday wasn't it? it feels like ages. ]
Not alone like this.
no subject
[ Her voice, brittle, breaks off.
In the end, someone is still dead. In the end, someone still killed. In the end, no matter what reason she killed, she is still a murderer. No matter the reason, Dimitri is still dead, and so is everyone else in this store. ]
Well. I suppose the directors did say that numbers didn't matter as much, so at least they don't have to run around and lose focus split across four bodies.
[ It's a clinical spin for something resembling positivity instead of whatever they're both feeling. With only one death, there is more time to focus on solving what happened. That's what she can hope for tomorrow.
There is no justice in the system made for them, but maybe a truth can be set free. ]
Of all people, I thought he'd have a lower chance of being chosen.
[ Her agreement is soft. Dimitri seemed well-liked enough, but who knows what's going on where they can't see? ]
no subject
The point is for us to suffer. [ that was made clear even if they didn't need the numbers. ] The more we feel, the faster the snake grows. It's why we thought of doing more kills, but picking the right person would do just as well.
[ as horrible as that sounds. which, uh, given how they both took out some of their anger on ogata—it would be fair to say that this choice certainly has made, at the very least, two people upset. morbidly he wonders if what he's experiencing now could get any worse. the weight he forces himself to carry due to his actions from the island feels so impossibly heavy.
he has every mind to consider shutting himself off from it all—to go back to allowing things to be reflected off of him instead of being allowed to be moved. things were simpler then. .... he doesn't, though, and instead looks shinobu over and nods. ]
I hope that they're focused tomorrow. [ a beat because he'll never forget how quickly simple things become complicated: ] And that there's nothing to distract them.
[ a moment before he makes an attempt. ]
How should we greet him?
no subject
[ Isn't the whole purpose of what they need to do to escape here the antithesis for Shinobu's entire raison d'etre? Hadn't she fought for so long and so hard just to keep others from suffering?
It's not like she couldn't bring herself to do something like this in the end, if she knew, now that she knows, but the effect of doing something like that—
A smile slams into place on Shinobu's face, but it's empty, empty, empty. ]
There will always be some kind of distraction.
[ That's who they are as people. That's who they are as a group. ]
I don't think there's any right way to greet someone. [ Especially after they just died. ] Do what you feel is right. Do what comes from the heart.
no subject
it...doesn't feel right. she smiling again and giyuu knows that this isn't something she would want to smile for. or, well, perhaps "want" is the wrong word but he doesn't know what there is for him to say instead. especially so when shinobu tells him that he should just go what his heart tells him to.
it's funny because with anyone else it would be an easier answer to uncover, but with giyuu? ]
I'm not good with the matters of the heart.
[ which should be an obvious statement if there was ever one to be made. it's also the most painfully self-aware comment that he's likely made about himself around her. but, there's no way that she wouldn't refute it. they both are aware of how much he struggles as things move again. ]
no subject
[ It's a step forward that he's aware. It's a step forward that he admits it. ]
That's why you should keep being honest, and that will be your heart coming through.
[ His bluntness, his awkwardness, his straightforwardness— it's not always honesty from the heart. After all, it's more and more apparent how much he buried, how much he froze, and it's being unearthed and melted now, bit by slow bit. ]
But also, you should really look at and listen to him, too. See what he does, hear what he says, and think about the why.
Why is someone upset?
no subject
it's why he nods along and commits her words to memory. he still doesn't know how he will be able to face dimitri when he sees him again but he remembers something that he told someone else on his first day here and their reply to him. he dismissed it at the time but...now? hm. he looks at shinobu more critically as he really thinks about her words. ]
I should do the same for you.
[ ...right? it's not just him who is struggling with this. it's not just him who has lost people here and will continue to lose people. he's not that unaware. ]
Try to understand why you're upset.
[ not that he doesn't already try but try in the way that she's describing. ]
no subject
He's trying to be less hopeless and maybe he's actually going to listen to her for once, but she doesn't know if she has the right words to say here. She doesn't know if she has any words to say. ]
Some of it isn't so different from why you are.
[ And the rest of it is very different. ]
Every week, someone must die, and it hurts every time.
[ It just hurts more when it's someone specific. ]
no subject
hm. ]
If it hurts you, then why do you keep smiling?
[ bluntly. curiously. ]
What was it that you said—how it's fine to not be a Pillar sometimes?
[ those were not the words that she said to him back on the island? maybe it wasn't exactly word for word, but didn't she say something like to him? how she encouraged him to start to understand his emotions and not lock everything away? aren't her smiles like that..? giyuu doesn't understand it but he has started to see through them better. ]
no subject
[ She smiles because sometimes, she can't do anything else. She smiles because sometimes, it's the only thing that she can hang onto. She smiles because her sister is dead, and she wants to do everything she can to remember her, to honor her memory—
But she hasn't done much to honor much of anything lately, has she? ]
... I haven't been much of a Pillar in some time.
[ She hasn't acted as a Pillar since the night she killed Yu. At least, that's how it is in her mind. ]
no subject
Don't people cry when they're hurt?
[ someone like him shouldn't be asking this question given that the last time he cried before they were thrown into here was years ago. even he had been able to cry when she died before him at the end of the nightmare that was the cursed island. ]
Pillars are supposed to look out for people and support those who can't stand by themselves. As long as you keep that up, then you're being a Pillar.
[ to him, anyway. ]
no subject
They do. What makes you think I don't cry?
[ She cried in front of him not too long ago even if it feels like a lifetime now. If no one sees her cry, does that means she doesn't?
(Sometimes, she feels like she shouldn't cry because she doesn't deserve to. She's still a murderer at the end of the day.)
How does she tell him that she doesn't feel like she has done any of that here, not to her standard. Has she looked out for people? Has she truly supported them, knowing what she knows? Is she doing any of that right now?
It's hard for her to say without thinking she's hypocritical in some way, so she doesn't. ]
no subject
I know you do, Kocho.
[ that wasn't the point? he....doesn't know what point he's trying to express though. rather, he's not going to be very good at the point he wants to get across.
unsurprisingly that their situation has led to her showing off her tears far more than he had memories of before. honestly, though, the most confusing one was when he saw dimitri and her both after he lost his arm. so much was gained from then...maybe things started to really change, too.
someone far more emotionally competent should be confronting shinobu about how she should stop trying to hide so much behind her smile—if that would be someone more emotionally competent would do. giyuu's...trying. ]
I meant that I don't like it when you smile even though you're in pain.
[ is that what he wanted to say..? it's kind of the point he wants to make, but it's a bit selfish, isn't it? to make it about himself. ]
no subject
All I have left is my smile, Tomioka-san.
[ Even it is a faded version of all her usual ones, it's the one thing she can do to feign even a semblance of normalcy. She's been piecing herself back together in order to stand as she should, but even she stumbles when she's down.
After everything that's been taken away from her, can she let her smile be taken away? With everything she broke, can't this be one thing she keeps? ]
But you can tell I'm hurting now whether I smile or not now, so it doesn't really matter.
[ After all, why wouldn't she be hurting right now? It's another week. She's angry. She's bereaved, and she's raw with emotion. ]
no subject
why doesn't it matter? ]
If you're fine with that.
[ is it really okay for him to be one of the few(?) people who can tell when she's smiling when she shouldn't be? rather, smiling because there's nothing else she feel like she can do. giyuu is hardly in the place to properly judge given how he barely smiles or shows emotions on his face. ...though that has begun to change.
....hm. ]
And I won't point it out to those who can't tell the difference.
[ he's not sure if that's something she'd appreciate or something she'd hate but it's something that he can do. ]