[ There isn't much use in considering what ifs this late, but it's moments like this with the words he just said that she wonders how much more she could have lived with it, if she figured out his role the week before she chose to die? The one week she wasn't assigned to kill, she assumed there were other teams just like her and Flayn, but she couldn't piece enough together in time.
She nods against his shoulder. It's because they're on similar enough pages that Shinobu leans on him like this, letting herself be weak for a second. She can sense that he's almost afraid somehow to receive any comfort or affection, but she also feels like he'd understand a little more than others. No one has judged her too harshly (at least to her face), and she doesn't know how to feel about that. ]
Whatever those decisions weigh, they weigh too much.
[ Choosing life over death, death over life, choosing who lived, who died, unable to tell their story— ]
[BROKEN, BUT LESS BROKEN!!! Or maybe they just would have been broken but in better company. It did bring him a sort of guilt-riddled comfort, in a sense, to know that Shinobu understood intimately exactly what he's had to go through. He'd never say as much, because it sounds terrible even in the safety of his own mind. Still.
There's a quiet beat after she speaks in which he just breathes in and sighs out. His hold tightens just a bit, and he rests the side of his head against hers. Receiving comfort and affection is much harder for him than giving it, true enough; at least it feels a bit more like an even give and take this way.
He can't and wouldn't judge her for the choices she made. For the ones she'll make, moving forward. He only wishes he'd had the chance to hold his hand out to her and pull her back, even if this side was painful, too.]
Hah, who ever knows? I suppose that's life. [A WHIRLWIND OF MISERY WHERE YOU MAY DIE AT ANY MOMENT-- No, there's a touch of cynicism behind those words, but he's mostly just tired.]
...Whatever happens, I'm glad I got to know you. I wish I had been able to spend more time by your side.
[ It's not something Shinobu will ever say aloud either. There shouldn't be much comfort in knowing someone else knows what it's like to be told to murder in these circumstances, but sometimes, it's just enough that someone else knows without you having to say something. It's terrible.
They are both just a little terrible.
Her eyes flutter shut at his words, and her breathing is slow and a little erratic, as she tries to keep tears from coming forward. It's a wonder, why hearing those words now after everything elicit such emotion from her.
(It's because for some time, she didn't think it was true—that she was someone that anyone should be glad to know.) ]
I'm glad I met you, too. I hope if tomorrow turns out for the best, you'll be able to find and reach happiness.
[They can both be just a little terrible here, at least. It's not like anyone will judge them.
And if she gets a little watery-eyed, it's not like he can see it from his current vantage point, either. He won't let his hold drop just yet. Not yet. It's for her as much as it's for himself, or maybe for himself as much as it's for her. Just-- even just one point of contact. A little stability. The ability to feel like your presence isn't something everyone will recoil from.
Just for a moment.]
Hah, you're too kind. Here's to happiness in the assumed future where our terrible child doesn't murder us.
[He holds up his own pinky too, almost reflexively, but fortunately has the one single braincell to not actually hook it around hers before he hears what it is that she wants from him.]
If that child doesn't end it all, then I'll certainly do what I can, whatever it is you ask of me. What promise would you like me to make, friend?
[Honestly Shinobu deserves more than wanting anything good for Wei Wuxian in the first place! When all he has are his grubby gremlin murder demon hands!!
Anyway he hates this. There's visible hesitation for a moment, but hey, maybe that just makes it all the more meaningful when he does lock pinkies.]
[ Shinobu doesn't know the full extent of his road paved with good intentions and resentful energy. He can't blame her for the things he won't tell her.
There's only so much she can judge about how overkill his Ghost murders were, and that's why he gets treated with her own brand of compassion. Her smile can't be called anything other than pure when their pinkies are linked. ]
That's all I ask. Thank you.
[ That he won't automatically run, that he'll try to consider it. It's not hard for her to see how much he doesn't think he deserves to. ]
[He's not blaming anyone but he is running fastly. No one must know of his true crimes...
Or his Ghost crimes. His Jessie and James murder crimes. What crimes they were. At least he seems to ease up a little when he sees her smile, even if it's just to a minute degree. He doesn't feel like he deserves even the kindness it takes to smile at him genuinely, honestly; trying is about all he can promise.]
Hah, you really don't need to thank me for something like that, you know.
[SHE'S EXACTLY RIGHT. NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD, DEAD ON. He laughs, though there's a brief, nearly startled quality to it at first. She really does just say whatever she feels like saying... It's refreshing.]
Mm... [He understands that, too. How hard it is to want to make or give promises after going through ordeals like this. How it can grind a person down.
Which is why he pauses for a second, and then:] ...May I ask you to promise me something in return, then?
[ He'd keep running if she didn't address it, and she wants him to know that people aren't blind and that people won't always let him run. It may not be her in the future, but there's bound to be someone out there.
[One day he'll buy a pair of Nikes and then no one will ever be able to catch him again.
But he pauses for a second, first. Then, as if carefully considering how he wants to word this, he speaks in a punctuated way.]
I... would like it if you could promise that you give yourself the same considerations you give others.
[Himself, specifically. He knows Shinobu in this particular area, considering how similar he himself is. It's much easier to show everyone around you goodwill and care than it is yourself.]
[ Are their pinkies still linked? Did either of them take their fingers back? Any which way, there's a pause and Shinobu can't wholeheartedly make this promise back. Not right away. ]
I have given what I've done a lot of consideration. [ Her voice is soft, almost hollow. ]
After my parents were slaughtered, my sister and I made a promise to become strong enough so we could save others from feeling the way we did—from losing their loved ones.
[ She's doing her best to keep her voice steady, but there's a faint wavering quality to it. It's like she's trying to hang on.
She hasn't admitted this in so many words to anyone else, but she thinks if anyone would understand, it's Wei Wuxian. ]
We wanted to protect happiness where we could, and I— Killing to save everyone from dying all at once, to buy time until you all could figure out how to bring everyone back—it broke and kept that promise at that same time.
[ It's too hard for her to completely reconcile even now, but she's trying. She's trying so hard. In a surprising way, time in the graveyard has helped her, but she's still in pieces. The promise is still in pieces.
Her asking him to make a promise is trying to put herself back together. It's trying... to give that consideration. It's her trying to take back what was taken to her, but she still isn't near to whole. ]
[HE SURE DIDN'T but he also won't lock her into an eternal pinky promise if she makes any indication that she wants her pinky back.
For now, he's just - quiet. He just listens, with a soft sort of care, as she explains something that he already knows so intimately. Sometimes, you break promises. Sometimes, you break those promises for good reason. Sometimes they're broken because they have to be, because there is no other way. And sometimes, nothing in the world can be done for it. But knowing that doesn't make breaking a promise any easier. Life is such a terrible, complex mess of a thing. No matter what a person decides to do, it seems like just existing can and will hurt others.
Even if she does take her hand back, he reaches out with the opposite one, briefly resting his fingers against the side of her head, near her temple.]
This part is hardest to reconcile with.
[One's own self. He gets the feeling that they're similar there, too; that no one can really do as much damage to them as they themselves can.]
...I don't think you can just pick up the pieces of such an important promise, once it's broken. I think... that's a weight that has to be carried. I wish you didn't have to carry it.
[It's why he hung on so tightly. It's why he did everything he could to not get caught. If he could take their roles onto himself entirely and see to it that six other people didn't end up scarred in the process of this mess of a birth, he would without a single iota of a second thought.
But that was never an option, and all he can do now is empathize where he's able.]
I won't ask for absolutes. I know what it feels like, when someone asks you to make a promise after breaking one. You don't want to make any again. Just trying is enough. Just doing what you can, a little at a time, every day for as long as you have.
[ The touch at her temple surprises her some. It takes her a little out of her swirling thoughts and emotions. His words don't exactly put her at ease, but Shinobu isn't sure there are any words that could right now. It's enough that he listens. It's enough that he's here.
For as long as you have, is it?
Her lips curve into a small, sad smile. Even if they all have past tomorrow, she won't say how much time she has beyond that. She's quiet for a long moment before she hooks his pinkie with hers again. ]
I promise I'll try. Even if broken promises can't be whole again, I won't stop from making new ones. Little by little, with those that I care about, I'll make new ones for as long as I have.
[ There is some of her old, familiar determination creeping back like buds on a vine. ]
[He echoes it back, some steel reflecting in his own voice, too. This place, the places they'd come from before - surely they're still due some good in exchange for all of the terrible. Surely there must be some balance for it all.
But he doesn't trust in the deliverance of fate or karma; he's an advocate of evening things out with one's own two hands.]
That's enough. It's enough to know that, and to have a place to start. All rebuilding has to start from somewhere, mm?
[There's a quirking smile, and he gives her pinky a little squeeze after they link.]
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She nods against his shoulder. It's because they're on similar enough pages that Shinobu leans on him like this, letting herself be weak for a second. She can sense that he's almost afraid somehow to receive any comfort or affection, but she also feels like he'd understand a little more than others. No one has judged her too harshly (at least to her face), and she doesn't know how to feel about that. ]
Whatever those decisions weigh, they weigh too much.
[ Choosing life over death, death over life, choosing who lived, who died, unable to tell their story— ]
Who knows if we'll live tomorrow?
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There's a quiet beat after she speaks in which he just breathes in and sighs out. His hold tightens just a bit, and he rests the side of his head against hers. Receiving comfort and affection is much harder for him than giving it, true enough; at least it feels a bit more like an even give and take this way.
He can't and wouldn't judge her for the choices she made. For the ones she'll make, moving forward. He only wishes he'd had the chance to hold his hand out to her and pull her back, even if this side was painful, too.]
Hah, who ever knows? I suppose that's life. [A WHIRLWIND OF MISERY WHERE YOU MAY DIE AT ANY MOMENT-- No, there's a touch of cynicism behind those words, but he's mostly just tired.]
...Whatever happens, I'm glad I got to know you. I wish I had been able to spend more time by your side.
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They are both just a little terrible.
Her eyes flutter shut at his words, and her breathing is slow and a little erratic, as she tries to keep tears from coming forward. It's a wonder, why hearing those words now after everything elicit such emotion from her.
(It's because for some time, she didn't think it was true—that she was someone that anyone should be glad to know.) ]
I'm glad I met you, too. I hope if tomorrow turns out for the best, you'll be able to find and reach happiness.
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And if she gets a little watery-eyed, it's not like he can see it from his current vantage point, either. He won't let his hold drop just yet. Not yet. It's for her as much as it's for himself, or maybe for himself as much as it's for her. Just-- even just one point of contact. A little stability. The ability to feel like your presence isn't something everyone will recoil from.
Just for a moment.]
Hah, you're too kind. Here's to happiness in the assumed future where our terrible child doesn't murder us.
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She makes eye contact before she holds up a hand and extends a pinky. ]
If that child doesn't end it all for us tomorrow, will you make me a promise?
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If that child doesn't end it all, then I'll certainly do what I can, whatever it is you ask of me. What promise would you like me to make, friend?
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I would like for you to not try to run away from happiness, if it comes to you.
[ At least with Wei Wuxian, she doesn't have to uncertain or surprised to be called friend. Please don't leave her pinky hanging. ]
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Anyway he hates this. There's visible hesitation for a moment, but hey, maybe that just makes it all the more meaningful when he does lock pinkies.]
...If it comes to me, then I'll - try to face it.
[It's a hard thing to think about, though.]
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There's only so much she can judge about how overkill his Ghost murders were, and that's why he gets treated with her own brand of compassion. Her smile can't be called anything other than pure when their pinkies are linked. ]
That's all I ask. Thank you.
[ That he won't automatically run, that he'll try to consider it. It's not hard for her to see how much he doesn't think he deserves to. ]
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Or his Ghost crimes. His Jessie and James murder crimes. What crimes they were. At least he seems to ease up a little when he sees her smile, even if it's just to a minute degree. He doesn't feel like he deserves even the kindness it takes to smile at him genuinely, honestly; trying is about all he can promise.]
Hah, you really don't need to thank me for something like that, you know.
[(wwx voice) i hate sorries and thank yous]
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[ She knows this is something he and Belph are on similar wavelengths about. ]
But... being able to make promises...
[ Her smile fades and dims. ]
It's something I'm trying to regain.
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Mm... [He understands that, too. How hard it is to want to make or give promises after going through ordeals like this. How it can grind a person down.
Which is why he pauses for a second, and then:] ...May I ask you to promise me something in return, then?
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She tilts her head, curious. ]
What is it?
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But he pauses for a second, first. Then, as if carefully considering how he wants to word this, he speaks in a punctuated way.]
I... would like it if you could promise that you give yourself the same considerations you give others.
[Himself, specifically. He knows Shinobu in this particular area, considering how similar he himself is. It's much easier to show everyone around you goodwill and care than it is yourself.]
no subject
I have given what I've done a lot of consideration. [ Her voice is soft, almost hollow. ]
After my parents were slaughtered, my sister and I made a promise to become strong enough so we could save others from feeling the way we did—from losing their loved ones.
[ She's doing her best to keep her voice steady, but there's a faint wavering quality to it. It's like she's trying to hang on.
She hasn't admitted this in so many words to anyone else, but she thinks if anyone would understand, it's Wei Wuxian. ]
We wanted to protect happiness where we could, and I— Killing to save everyone from dying all at once, to buy time until you all could figure out how to bring everyone back—it broke and kept that promise at that same time.
[ It's too hard for her to completely reconcile even now, but she's trying. She's trying so hard. In a surprising way, time in the graveyard has helped her, but she's still in pieces. The promise is still in pieces.
Her asking him to make a promise is trying to put herself back together. It's trying... to give that consideration. It's her trying to take back what was taken to her, but she still isn't near to whole. ]
I think it broke more than it kept.
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For now, he's just - quiet. He just listens, with a soft sort of care, as she explains something that he already knows so intimately. Sometimes, you break promises. Sometimes, you break those promises for good reason. Sometimes they're broken because they have to be, because there is no other way. And sometimes, nothing in the world can be done for it. But knowing that doesn't make breaking a promise any easier. Life is such a terrible, complex mess of a thing. No matter what a person decides to do, it seems like just existing can and will hurt others.
Even if she does take her hand back, he reaches out with the opposite one, briefly resting his fingers against the side of her head, near her temple.]
This part is hardest to reconcile with.
[One's own self. He gets the feeling that they're similar there, too; that no one can really do as much damage to them as they themselves can.]
...I don't think you can just pick up the pieces of such an important promise, once it's broken. I think... that's a weight that has to be carried. I wish you didn't have to carry it.
[It's why he hung on so tightly. It's why he did everything he could to not get caught. If he could take their roles onto himself entirely and see to it that six other people didn't end up scarred in the process of this mess of a birth, he would without a single iota of a second thought.
But that was never an option, and all he can do now is empathize where he's able.]
I won't ask for absolutes. I know what it feels like, when someone asks you to make a promise after breaking one. You don't want to make any again. Just trying is enough. Just doing what you can, a little at a time, every day for as long as you have.
no subject
For as long as you have, is it?
Her lips curve into a small, sad smile. Even if they all have past tomorrow, she won't say how much time she has beyond that. She's quiet for a long moment before she hooks his pinkie with hers again. ]
I promise I'll try. Even if broken promises can't be whole again, I won't stop from making new ones. Little by little, with those that I care about, I'll make new ones for as long as I have.
[ There is some of her old, familiar determination creeping back like buds on a vine. ]
This place has taken enough from all of us.
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[He echoes it back, some steel reflecting in his own voice, too. This place, the places they'd come from before - surely they're still due some good in exchange for all of the terrible. Surely there must be some balance for it all.
But he doesn't trust in the deliverance of fate or karma; he's an advocate of evening things out with one's own two hands.]
That's enough. It's enough to know that, and to have a place to start. All rebuilding has to start from somewhere, mm?
[There's a quirking smile, and he gives her pinky a little squeeze after they link.]