[As much as he likes her, Lan Wangji isn't the type to pour his heart out to people. It's why he's never had a problem being called reserved, because that's exactly what he is. Wei Wuxian is the only person, besides his brother, who has ever tried to look beyond that for reasons that weren't nefarious, and in their first life together, Lan Wangji waited far too long to accept that. In this one, they've had bigger problems.
But Wei Wuxian's past, his trauma, his suffering, are not his to share. Doing so would be a grievous breach of trust, and Lan Wangji has no intention of driving Wei Wuxian any farther away from him than he's already done. Wei Wuxian wouldn't listen to him, either, and so, it will remain unspoken. They agreed to put Montevallo behind them, more or less. That is enough.
[ That is what he said. She says it clearly, her enunciation perfect. ]
You are not fine.
[ It is what she told him minutes ago, too, but she isn't going to pretend Montevallo didn't happen. That's not how she can move forward. It's not how she can be happy. ]
[That's a fair point. He inclines his head to acknowledge it, though he doesn't speak immediately. The only reason he hasn't walked away yet is because of Montevallo, so... perhaps he is allowing remnants of it to linger after all. (Or maybe it's simply the fact that he has never truly had anyone to discuss this with. It's difficult to say.)
Eventually, softly--]
I accepted that long ago.
[It is why he is so certain of his interpretation of Wei Wuxian's rejection. It is simply a confirmation of something he already knew.
Wei Wuxian, against all odds, stumbled back into his life thirteen long years after his death. Lan Wangji will accept anything, as long as it means getting to stay in his life, even peripherally.]
[ It's a simple question, but she knows it's not simple to answer.
She knows people don't all live like she does, like she wants to, but to live in that kind of sadness (is it sadness? she's not quite sure).... how much is it really living? ]
[Because Lan Wangji made the mistake of pushing him away before. Because he's spent too many long, sleepless nights, secluded and immobile as the scars on his back slowly healed, wondering how much things could have changed, if only he'd been a little more accepting--of Wei Wuxian, of himself, of the feelings he'd been so terrified of when they were younger. Because he knows what it's like to have lost Wei Wuxian, and think it utterly, devastatingly permanent. He will never place that much distance between them, ever again.
Because Wei Wuxian doesn't "deserve" his love. It is not swayed by Wei Wuxian's choices or his actions. He simply has it. It is a fact as much as the color of the sky or the steadfastness of a mountain--Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian, and will stand by him no matter what.]
Because he is worth it.
[Because the joy it brings him to see Wei Wuxian happy, no matter who, or what, made him so, is more than enough to outweigh the pain it brings him to stand just beyond where he wants to be.
He is quiet for a long time after that, but he keeps his lips pressed together, like he's trying to figure out what else he wants to say. Eventually, slowly--]
I have known Wei Ying since we were 15 years old. [He'd known Wei Wuxian alive for less time than he'd spend dead. He'd spent so, so much of that time rebuking his efforts at friendship. Truly foolish.] Wei Ying has always been Wei Ying.
[To love him is to know that no matter what circumstances they are in, he will always be on the front lines. He will always choose to sacrifice himself before putting others in harm's way. Shinobu clearly cares deeply--and she should understand this much, at least, if she is insistent on remaining a part of Wei Wuxian's life too.]
[ Even if she understands, it doesn't mean she has to like it. There are some things that can't be changed about a person's character, she knows, but there are behaviors that can be reasoned with. If she doesn't try, could she say she's happy with herself?
She doesn't want to force change. She wants to foster a better chance at happiness. A healthier happiness. ]
He can still be himself and learn.
[ For the people she wants to have hope in, for the people she cares about, she wants to believe they can change and improve and be better, happier. ]
[She would be very surprised, he thinks, to know just how much he has learned, because of Wei Wuxian. Sometimes Lan Wangji wonders what he might've been like, had Wei Wuxian never burst into his life, shattering every one of his carefully conceived notions of goodness, justice, and life itself. The kindest way he can describe that person is "lacking".
Shinobu is not incorrect, though, and he nods once, to acknowledge that.]
Rule numer 58: Do not give up on learning.
[And he won't. He will learn to live with these new boundaries Wei Wuxian has set, until they're their new normal. He will learn just how much of his presence Wei Wuxian is willing to tolerate in his life, and Lan Wangji will respect that. As long as he can be around Wei Wuxian in some way, and protect him when it matters, he will learn to be content.
It's not what she means, and he knows it. But he would rather she focus her energy on Wei Wuxian anyway. Too little has he known any genuine caring and affection.]
[ Shinobu would be very surprised to know any of what he's thinking. She can't read minds, so he should thank his lucky stars and whatever else cultivators thank for that.
She looks at him carefully. She knows something isn't quite right, but she doesn't know what.
She can't call him out on it, if she doesn't know. ]
[And this is pretty much how Lan Wangji deals with literally everything in his life. By RBF-ing his way out of it.]
Thank you for your concern. [He does genuinely appreciate it. She's a strong person with a good heart--such people are rare in any world, it seems, and their care should be valued.] Please take care, Lady Kocho.
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But Wei Wuxian's past, his trauma, his suffering, are not his to share. Doing so would be a grievous breach of trust, and Lan Wangji has no intention of driving Wei Wuxian any farther away from him than he's already done. Wei Wuxian wouldn't listen to him, either, and so, it will remain unspoken. They agreed to put Montevallo behind them, more or less. That is enough.
Instead, he finds himself frowning slightly.]
In denial?
[About which part, exactly?]
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[ That is what he said. She says it clearly, her enunciation perfect. ]
You are not fine.
[ It is what she told him minutes ago, too, but she isn't going to pretend Montevallo didn't happen. That's not how she can move forward. It's not how she can be happy. ]
I don't know if you will be truly fine either.
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Eventually, softly--]
I accepted that long ago.
[It is why he is so certain of his interpretation of Wei Wuxian's rejection. It is simply a confirmation of something he already knew.
Wei Wuxian, against all odds, stumbled back into his life thirteen long years after his death. Lan Wangji will accept anything, as long as it means getting to stay in his life, even peripherally.]
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[ It's a simple question, but she knows it's not simple to answer.
She knows people don't all live like she does, like she wants to, but to live in that kind of sadness (is it sadness? she's not quite sure).... how much is it really living? ]
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Because Wei Wuxian doesn't "deserve" his love. It is not swayed by Wei Wuxian's choices or his actions. He simply has it. It is a fact as much as the color of the sky or the steadfastness of a mountain--Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian, and will stand by him no matter what.]
Because he is worth it.
[Because the joy it brings him to see Wei Wuxian happy, no matter who, or what, made him so, is more than enough to outweigh the pain it brings him to stand just beyond where he wants to be.
He is quiet for a long time after that, but he keeps his lips pressed together, like he's trying to figure out what else he wants to say. Eventually, slowly--]
I have known Wei Ying since we were 15 years old. [He'd known Wei Wuxian alive for less time than he'd spend dead. He'd spent so, so much of that time rebuking his efforts at friendship. Truly foolish.] Wei Ying has always been Wei Ying.
[To love him is to know that no matter what circumstances they are in, he will always be on the front lines. He will always choose to sacrifice himself before putting others in harm's way. Shinobu clearly cares deeply--and she should understand this much, at least, if she is insistent on remaining a part of Wei Wuxian's life too.]
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She doesn't want to force change. She wants to foster a better chance at happiness. A healthier happiness. ]
He can still be himself and learn.
[ For the people she wants to have hope in, for the people she cares about, she wants to believe they can change and improve and be better, happier. ]
So can you.
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Shinobu is not incorrect, though, and he nods once, to acknowledge that.]
Rule numer 58: Do not give up on learning.
[And he won't. He will learn to live with these new boundaries Wei Wuxian has set, until they're their new normal. He will learn just how much of his presence Wei Wuxian is willing to tolerate in his life, and Lan Wangji will respect that. As long as he can be around Wei Wuxian in some way, and protect him when it matters, he will learn to be content.
It's not what she means, and he knows it. But he would rather she focus her energy on Wei Wuxian anyway. Too little has he known any genuine caring and affection.]
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She looks at him carefully. She knows something isn't quite right, but she doesn't know what.
She can't call him out on it, if she doesn't know. ]
All right. That's all I have to say, then.
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Thank you for your concern. [He does genuinely appreciate it. She's a strong person with a good heart--such people are rare in any world, it seems, and their care should be valued.] Please take care, Lady Kocho.